Musings: Moving On

met someone new. wasn't looking or searching for them by any means. in fact, i've probably been doing more waiting and hoping for RefBoo to come around over the last year and a half than anything else. spent lots of time and invested lots of myself in something that wasn't an official relationship and was never headed in that direction, though it mirrored one in lots of ways. i was happy at times, content in others, and frustrated all the while. i knew why it wasn't a relationship. still tried to make peace with it. asked him a million ways why?

i loved him. he was my first love. loved him so hard. so hard i'm scared i will never stop loving him and feel that way about anyone else. that's what they say, anyway. i can see myself just loving the kid and not being IN love for eternity. but it will still be an undeniable energy, and frankly a power that he will have.

what if, in 3 years he is ready? in 5?
what if, then, I am not?

I remember being obsessed (thought it was love, but it definitely wasn't) with this guy I was involved with in undergrad. thought the world would just END if i couldn't be with him. turns out, i'm doing juuuust fine as is he. turns out, i found love, the wrong timing, and another possibility around the corner. life simply MUST go on. i realize that as we get older we become more emotionally strong. we build up resistance, endurance. we learn our lessons. did i cry about this? yes. is it leaving me paralyzed? no. i have to walk with faith and know that whatever will be will be. if he is meant to be mine there will be a will, a way, and a sign.

so far, no marbles.