coworkers bring me joy.

Allison: my colleagues are a trip

so i emailed the 3 ppl i met at the friday conference

the petite african dude's email opening and closing:

Hello Allison!
What a wonderful surprise. You kept your promise! :-)
The pleasure of meeting you was all mine. I'm sure that was obvious, given I couldn't stop yapping! (I promise that's my last use of an exclamation. LOL.)
It was truly wonderful to meet you, Allison. I believe that was about the best thing about Friday! Oops, there's that exclamation point again. :-) Ah, well.

and the older white guy:

First I want to be honest and apologize that I don't remember you.

From your e-mail, I can see you already have a gift for seeking career advice. I never did. I am to much of an introvert and loner.

Brittany: LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allison: ahahahaha!

i am dying

Brittany: oh my god

dyinggg

Allison: people are so STRANGE

on men - in my twenty second year

at this juncture in my life i realize i am aggressive by nature. i'm usually the one courting the man, and everything just feels off when a guy approaches me first. i dunno what it is, i just like staking out my prey and the nervous energy that circulates as i wait and see if he's interested. i feel a sense of accomplishment, i feel attractive, i feel like a badass.

still, i like to be wooed in non traditional (read: not throwing cash at me) ways. i've heard that a guy really likes you/wants you if he's willing to make a fool out of himself for you. anything for a smile. if he really wants you, he'll find creative ways to see you or to capture your attention. if he really wants you, he'll call.

i've been settling. sort of lying to myself. no, i don't want a boyfriend. i feel like i'm not ready for all of that. i have alot of growing and developing to do on my own - i don't want to share those experiences with someone who is transient. yes, i do want to find love. but i'm willing to wait for the real thing. yes, i do love intimacy but I don't need it right now. with the terrifying HIV and AIDS rates in DC my legs are closed until further notice anyway. i don't want a hookup - i'm beyond that.

after profboo left for ghana, i felt kind of used (even though he was extremely giving in the bedroom lol). i know he was on another continent and he is somewhat analog so an e-mail or phone call weren't a possibility... but he didn't call before he left. he replied to my "have a safe trip" text, but that's it. no post it note on the bathroom mirror, no nothing.

fuck. i'm a romantic. a hopeless, 90s-meg ryan-00s-kate hudson -ROM-COM hopeless. romantic. why?????

i was supposed to meet up with bloggerboo on friday. that didn't happen. we texted, i agreed to meet him at a club with my friends, he had other plans but said he'd make his way over. didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend. felt played, annoyed since i dragged my friends out to a wack club. felt like something might have been off or wrong since he didn't text or call or anything the rest of the night/weekend. turns out he was in a car accident. everyone is ok, thankfully. a small part of me doesn't believe him. but even if it did happen, he updated his facebook status hours before he texted me. maybe he didn't consider notifying me. maybe it wasn't all that important. that (lack of) action says it all, doesn't it? i don't know.

texts are so impersonal. my coworker says i shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. "when you do that, it takes away his responsibility to stand up and be a man...i don't care if he sent a pigeon, beeped you in morse code...he should have tried" lol...she's silly. and probably right.

i'm just tired of halfass effort. men put in minimal effort and expect maximum results. i think my aggressive nature skewed my perception of responsibility in the embryonic stages of a relationship.

wouldn't it be cool to talk to a 30 year old version of yourself to see what advice you'd have?

no, it wouldn't.

A (wo)man of genius makes no mistakes; her errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.

James Joyce

rude!

rad.

like rain when she came it poured...

he made me squirt.

i guess that's all there is to say.

i've done it before, but it's been a long time. i'm a know it all when it comes to my bedroom. all guys sort of do the same things - adaptations of what they've seen in pornos. i get bored easily. and having orgasms - real ones - requires a high level of physical and emotional connectivity for me. i have that with him even though i see him two or three times a year. it just turns on instantly.

"...yo, you almost got me in my eye!"

we collapse in laughter. he kisses it.

of course my feelings have sort of changed by this point. thats how life goes. last time he visited i was a ball of nerves - anxious to see him, had a wonderful time that weekend...this time...i enjoyed his company, but i didn't feel...it. maybe because i've been so preoccupied otherwise... i just haven't had love and affection on the brain.



"it is what it is, ma"...how prophetic was that shit?