moment of honesty

time is only wastin'
why wait for eventually?

i'm around

heyyy.

i kinda wish i left an update before i abandoned the blog - i hate seeing my last entry at the top. makes it seem like i got reallllly depressed and couldn't write or anything. that wasn't it.

i was working full time (quit one job (thank heavens) - started a new one) and taking three grad classes. something had to give lol. just finished finals last Saturday. i'm getting test scores and application stuff together for next fall - hoping I can land a fellowship for my second master's. i have a 4.0. while i do feel an enormous stress lifted from my shoulders after finals i haven't found that peace yet. i haven't given myself a pat on the back, really.

i am constantly trying to prove myself to...myself. sometimes that shit gets tiring.

on another note, i've been involved with a guy since the end of september (can't say he's the only one i've talked to but definitely the one i want). actually since i wrote the note below this entry things took a turn for the better. i love all our intricacies and i love his laugh. i find myself smiling at him, inviting him over to cuddle on the late night tip, just to share some of that energy before another day. he calls all the time and its just there, you know? is the timing right? nope. is it ever? there are some lingering issues that i can't look past in 2010. in fact i said that verbatim.

you ever say some shit and just get scared at the enormity of what you are proposing?

i just don't see myself doing this in 2010. i'm 23, on my way to who knows what (but i have forward momentum!), just trying to keep my own shit on track. while i would love to share myself, i don't have to. it'll suck when we stop talking but what are you going to do. i've gotta believe in what i'm saying even though it will hurt and it sucks and womp womp womp.

aside from my love life i see and feel some of my friendships changing. maybe its me that's changing - i feel a recluse phase coming on for whatever reason. a sista needs to read some NOVELS to find a character going through this. ahhh solitude.

the new year is coming sooo soon. 2009 has really been one hell of a year

recharge. reboot.

I am but a work in progress.

I have given myself permission to be happy, gleefully imperfect, content with my smile, now boldly boasting my new framework cause I am no longer in the confines of the past, I am no longer a person that has changed over time more than i am a young girl giving birth to the possibility of a different existence each time my emotions take a detour. I am no longer guided, obsessed, anxious about the inevitabilty of temporary unhappiness....I am free from myself.

(an old friend wrote this. i live by it)

word to the wise

"But for real...I never tried to steal someone's heart or nuthn. Dudes be tryn kill over that shit
One night is one night. I aint tryn to take nobody's forever."

three months

sometimes, when she was at her desk, or in the shower, or enjoying the last hazy moments before she thrust herself from her bed - she would channel it. that aura, that forcefield of pure sensation. like clockwork, she was summon it. perhaps, it summoned her.

she felt him dance in her skin that night. she kissed him, fell into his mouth, and sweated him out.

moment of clarity

things fall apart. they do. it's called life.
dwelling on them, those broken pieces in your hand? why?

it's 8:23 on saturday morning. i can't sleep. i'm going to make an omelette with ham, cheese, green yellow red peppers, and onions. my breath is going to stink and i'm going to greet the day, converse with the wind with my breathing rhythms.

i'm going to wheeze, because i am out of shape. it will probably burn.

at 10, i have a hair appointment. she's trimming my dead ends. i'm probably going to jet over mil's house and go to lunch somewhere. food is my anti-drug.

hopefully it won't rain. i'm ready to see the sun.

hair updates!

:D

check the fotki. if you want the link feel free to e-mail me at loveandnappiness@gmail.com.

ready for fall

dig the new layout? i do...it's alllll autumn-ish. lol. i'm really ready for fall. i always feel like i can wipe my mental slate clean and re-prioritize things with the change of season.

this week was the Kappa Conclave in DC. i met a couple guys but no real sparks. i ended up at their hotel on Wednesday with a couple girlfriends and i felt like a FRESHMAN all over again. one of the decent ones led us up to a hotel room where the "open bar" supposedly was. once we got off the elevator the place smelled like ASS. literally. so the dude was like, "umm..let me check out what kind of party this is..." and peeks in and tells us to go back downstairs lol. we only hang out for a little while after that. the old school kappas started to holla and that was our cue to bounce lol. i met a guy at one of the parties, i'll nickname him nigerianboo (you have to sing it like MJ does in Liberian Girrrrrrrrrrl lol). He's cute but I didn't feel any sparks (slash i wasn't really trying to) so I've kind of been avoiding him. But today I feel like going out to eat and I texted him and he hasn't responded lol. Touche. If we do end up going out and I don't feel anything i'll def keep him as a friend and maybe set him up with one of my friends - this would be a COOL experiment as i've never done that before lol. we shall see.

i start classes again in two weeks. i'm pursuing a Master's in International Security Studies. i've really enjoyed it so far but taking two classes last term in addition to working full time was alooot. i'm taking three this time around - Monday, Weds, and Friday 6:30-10. YES. A fuckin friday class. That professor is relatively chill so he might let us out around 9 or so - I don't know if it will really matter either way because I will probably go home and PASS OUT anyway lol. anyway, i'm trying to beast so I can graduate in a year. Yes, I'm trying to finish a two-year (or 1.5) part time program in a year. nice like that. its a small and relatively new program, at first i had to climb off of my intellectual elitist horse because the program isn't as reputable as many others in the area. but i realized it isn't as reputable because it's so NEW. i'm basically in the first cohort of students to matriculate so when I go on to do big things I can lend some of my starpower :). i won't graduate with substantial debt (my job has tuition reimbursement), the professors love me, and i have an opportunity to get some work published - so the pros definitely outweigh the cons at this point in the game. i'm thinking of a PhD program, law, or business school after this - focusing on foreign affairs, policy, or business - i don't know yet! i'm just taking advantage of all the networking opportunities I can and working hard.

find me in the library....

beast beast beast

i would dig her, right? lol

freakanomics.

E: he says " i dont need to spend money on grls to get ass" im broke etc
L&N: doesnt have to be an expensive date
but yes u do need to spend money lol
E: lolll
L&N:: we could go to five guys for all i care
but yes u will pick me up or pay for the cab there
E: LMAO
L&N:: if u are that poor u dont need to spread your seed
reaaaaaaaal talk
E: LMAO
life lesson by L&N
chapter 13
L&N:: lol
E: if you that poor u dont need to spread your seed
LOVE IT.
ill help with ur pr for the book launch real talk

best i (n)ever had

You are there and I am here
Beyond geography
We are temporally disjointed
Transportation wouldn’t sync
Transient feelings
My love travels in and out of time
How vividly I am remembering our future and
Living in the past
Inextricably intertwined

my raphael complex

i used to LOVE raphael (of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) when i was a little girl. he was cute (LOL), arrogant, cool, and MOODY.

the dudes i fall for now are exactly like him.

that's fuckin weird.

the tribe

our heels clink
and clomp
our greetings
eruptions of laughter
cascades of tears
we were there
through it all

to barbados and beyond...

riddle me this

i don't get it.
caught in an impossible tug-of-war; you push me away and you pull me in.


i just want to be loved or left alone. the interim is for the birds, yo.

transient feelins...or not.

it is truly a sad day when your emotions are perfectly captured by the latest beyonce song. lol.
broken hearted girl came on the radio on the drive home and i damn near cried
the last line of the refrain is a killer
...i know i'll be there at the end of the day

isn't that what's most upsetting?
not whatever trifling thing the guy did
not that you cried or felt shitty about it
but the fact that deep, deep down
you don't even want to let go

even if there was a pill that could erase your memory
or a guaranteed no-more-drama cloak
those pills would stay in the medicine cabinet.
that cloak would hang in the closet. untouched.

i read a blog one time about women always staying in self-destructive relationships.
or that women have this superman complex (save-a-hoe as well), always tryna change a man!

i don't think it's that. i think...what we felt an ounce of
that ever elusive L-O-V-E
and it was enough of a high to keep searching, keep pressing, hoping, praying

...scratching, shaking
for a hit.

damnnnn damn damn

loveless

and then there are stagnant times
the most robust cajun fare
tasteless
flavorless grits
a cow mulling over the same grass she's been mulling over
every fucking day of her life

the sun is so bright
spotlight on

it is spring
at least the birds are happy

poison.

"sweetheart, what flavor would you recommend?"
his baritone booms.

he's eyeing her hungrily. i would feel awkward but i'm tipsy. tatas are perky and everything is sitting right in my white high-waisted shorts. she's cute, but i got this. still, i feel uneasy. is he about to proposition her or some shit? i wait with bated breath and slow sips.

the slim latina twirls her hair .
"purple haze. das my favourite flavour, ju all will louv it."

purple haze it is then.

deep, deep pulls. his hand is on my thigh. we're laughing in each others faces. giving eye.
still.
with the last sip of my second cocktail i am controlling everything. i bite my lips, let them linger dangerously close to his. then i pass him the mouthpiece, diverting his attention. i know i'm not going to sleep with him. i highly doubt i'll even kiss him. i don't want to. i do dig the flirtatious energy too. i want to see him want me. that gets me off in an evil way.

we trek back to his spot - should've headed home by this point but more venom is pumping.

"i would love to see you in just these..."

the miami heat melts the lotion on my legs. he smoothes it back over them. first, around my ankles, then my calves, then my thighs. stirring up a stactic electricity. i balance myself on his shoulders. he begins to knewad my legs, working his fingers up through the cuff band. it. feels. good.

so i stop him. we talk for awhile before we sleep. "no ones ever really said no to me. i'm replaying the night seeing where i went wrong," he laughs. i see the beady lust in his eyes. i can't divert mine from them. the drive home in the morning is silent save old school rap jams blasting.

"this shit is 11 years old man. you weren't grown enough to know about this," he chides. i smirk at his attempt to make age relevant.

my nipples get hard thinking about it.

this chapter is closed.



fin

speaking into existence

so i never read The Secret, but i'm pretty sure the premise can be summed up by the old phrase "speaking into existence." in the past few weeks i grabbed hold of this mantra and embraced it as my own. speaking things into existence means two things for me. for one, it means quite literally, verbally introducing ideas - thereby creating them. putting those words in the atmosphere, where they can only be traced back to your lungs. the second, more inherent meaning is believing and knowing things to be true before there is physical worldy evidence of such. this process functions in a cylindrical fashion. there is one, grandiose cycle - our life. we all have our beginnings, middles, and ends. in the ideal scenario we follow the steps to become who we should be, and enjoy life at that stage. there are no age limits for each stage though society imposes them on us. the only requirement is forward movement. as they also say, the destination isn't most important - the journey is. this journey, in the grand scheme of things, consists of one full rotation, and several hundred, thousand, smaller rotations. these smaller rotations are basically smaller ideas, putt-putting your train along its tracks. overkill, i know.

how do we speak things into existence? imagination. bravery. faith. not always in that order, and sometimes phases repeat themselves. we know this.

imagination.
this is the nerdiest example...but i think of times when i wrote final papers for a certain hunky professor in college. i read everything he ever assigned, thought on it, and scribbled ideas in my margins. but when the pressure was on, generally around 5am the morning the paper was due, i would start having epiphanys. it was like the two most intelligent allies ever were sitting down at a cafe pondering all the undiscovered themes of the course and i was just listening in. i'd make connections and draw parallels... i basically felt like i was the shit. i took those ideas and formulated the most amazing theses you'd ever see. now around page 5 it would get choppy cuz i'd have an hour to go before class. but you get the point.

have that inner discussion with yourself about your life. jot down the themes. make connections. write your own thesis. just don't wait til 5am.

note: not all ideas are going to be epiphanys. in fact, some of the most important ones aren't. they aren't even originals. examples: i am beautiful. i am worthy. i am going to be successful.


bravery.
besides death, i think humans fear failure and rejection most of all. but bravery is beastly. bravery comes out of the corner swinging. bravery is less "i think..." and more "i know..." or "i'm going to...bitch." this phase of the cycle consists of the leap and the yell. simple as that. you can't accept virulent or malicious criticism of your ideas. you simply say, "no, thank you" and pass that plate of hate right on back.


faith.
for brevity's sake i'll say that i do believe (i'll keep that vague lol), but i am not especially religious. however, "faith" enters the picture here too in secular and non-secular ways. to me, this faith is the last leg long-distance runner for a team's 4x4million(lol) race. faith is about pacing - new ideas often generate a short lived excitement in all of us, which isn't always a bad thing. some ideas are just shitty, so they don't need to come to full fruition. the ones that are deserving, though, require attention - a pulsing maintenance if you will. faith is the "knowing" and persistence that pervade this experience.

the other important part of the faith disciple is sacredness. this idea, this thought that you have? it's fragile. it needs to be protected and cared for by none other than you. you can't allow anyone to steal it, break it, or babysit it. you must know, deep within, that you have a purpose - where this purpose comes from and how it is molded - eh, that will always be debated. just know its there, or it is in the process of getting there (i personally believe it's a little of both - you are born with innate potential, but you have to work your ass off (and not just at work-work) to be the ultimate you).

your iterations directly affect your propulsions. you sustain your movement by dreaming, saying, and believing in what you think and know to be true about yourself. so dream. dream in intricate detail, cuz honey - once you have an idea - and you will have many - sometimes all at once - you have to articulate it. that is your obligation to the universe. once the words leave your mouth, consider them transformed into word-clouds hovering over your head forever. people will see them, laugh at them, try to take them away from you. but you must know - they are yours. protect and cultivate them. eventually (hopefully) they will dissipate when you become proof of your own thesis.


addendums:
-please forgive (or not, i don't care) my over/misuse of commas and dashes. i simply love them.
-this ideas was inspired by (not necessarily dedicated to) Charmaine of Regis Salons in Pentagon City Mall. Upon successfully coloring my hair, her manager walked by and congratulated her on her raise.
Manager: "You we're just talking about needing to expand your portfolio"
Charmaine: "yea gurllll"
..not the greatest story but i must give credit where it is due
-i love how i wrote this piece and i am barely in the imagining stage. what about y'all?

right to remain...

trigger fingers held her pearl, hostage.

as
her detainee uses blunt, cylindrical force.
negotiating?
"don't make me do this," he pleads.
"please officer ..." she pants.

calculated methodical interrogation
and a push of a certain detonator -
dope, bass-line, beats like
courtroom gavels
echoing from within
convulsions like
450 watts surging guilty
as charged.

embracing the curls within!

guysss! i was interviewed! see below and check out blackgirllonghair.blogspot.com - it's a GREAT resource fo rfellow nattrals! :)

http://blackgirllonghair.blogspot.com/2009/04/your-photos-your-thoughts-embracing.html

best april fools EVER

Allison: afia is pregnant!!!

u cant say ANYthing

Brittany: WHAT

Allison: she is 2 months she just told me yesterday

Brittany: (duh the only person id tell is you)

Allison: lol

Brittany: SHES KEEPING IT!?!??!?!?!?!?!

Allison: I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brittany: NOOOOOOO SHES CANT

Allison: i didnt know what to say

Allison: she said she already had a name

Brittany: NO!

Allison: APRIL!

Brittany: NOOOOOO
Allison:APRIL FOOLSSSSSS!!!!!!!

bahahahahahahh!!!!!!!

Brittany: OMG

ILL KILL YOU

Allison: DYINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

YES YES YES!!! I AM THE BEST!!!!

Brittany: IF I COULD PUNCH YOU

::DOES VICTORY LAP WHILST DOING THE ROBOT::

tell me that wasn't the BEST EVER!!!??? i've NEVER gotten anyone on april fools, so i will remember this forever. my dad used to get ur MERCILESSLY! waking us up for school then saying "I JUST GOT A PHONE CALL - SCHOOL IS CANCELLED TODAY!" mannnn...me and the lil bro would jump up and scream and dance ...then 5 minutes later he'd come back and tell us April Fools. lol. Feelin mad dejected n ish.

coworkers bring me joy.

Allison: my colleagues are a trip

so i emailed the 3 ppl i met at the friday conference

the petite african dude's email opening and closing:

Hello Allison!
What a wonderful surprise. You kept your promise! :-)
The pleasure of meeting you was all mine. I'm sure that was obvious, given I couldn't stop yapping! (I promise that's my last use of an exclamation. LOL.)
It was truly wonderful to meet you, Allison. I believe that was about the best thing about Friday! Oops, there's that exclamation point again. :-) Ah, well.

and the older white guy:

First I want to be honest and apologize that I don't remember you.

From your e-mail, I can see you already have a gift for seeking career advice. I never did. I am to much of an introvert and loner.

Brittany: LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allison: ahahahaha!

i am dying

Brittany: oh my god

dyinggg

Allison: people are so STRANGE

on men - in my twenty second year

at this juncture in my life i realize i am aggressive by nature. i'm usually the one courting the man, and everything just feels off when a guy approaches me first. i dunno what it is, i just like staking out my prey and the nervous energy that circulates as i wait and see if he's interested. i feel a sense of accomplishment, i feel attractive, i feel like a badass.

still, i like to be wooed in non traditional (read: not throwing cash at me) ways. i've heard that a guy really likes you/wants you if he's willing to make a fool out of himself for you. anything for a smile. if he really wants you, he'll find creative ways to see you or to capture your attention. if he really wants you, he'll call.

i've been settling. sort of lying to myself. no, i don't want a boyfriend. i feel like i'm not ready for all of that. i have alot of growing and developing to do on my own - i don't want to share those experiences with someone who is transient. yes, i do want to find love. but i'm willing to wait for the real thing. yes, i do love intimacy but I don't need it right now. with the terrifying HIV and AIDS rates in DC my legs are closed until further notice anyway. i don't want a hookup - i'm beyond that.

after profboo left for ghana, i felt kind of used (even though he was extremely giving in the bedroom lol). i know he was on another continent and he is somewhat analog so an e-mail or phone call weren't a possibility... but he didn't call before he left. he replied to my "have a safe trip" text, but that's it. no post it note on the bathroom mirror, no nothing.

fuck. i'm a romantic. a hopeless, 90s-meg ryan-00s-kate hudson -ROM-COM hopeless. romantic. why?????

i was supposed to meet up with bloggerboo on friday. that didn't happen. we texted, i agreed to meet him at a club with my friends, he had other plans but said he'd make his way over. didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend. felt played, annoyed since i dragged my friends out to a wack club. felt like something might have been off or wrong since he didn't text or call or anything the rest of the night/weekend. turns out he was in a car accident. everyone is ok, thankfully. a small part of me doesn't believe him. but even if it did happen, he updated his facebook status hours before he texted me. maybe he didn't consider notifying me. maybe it wasn't all that important. that (lack of) action says it all, doesn't it? i don't know.

texts are so impersonal. my coworker says i shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. "when you do that, it takes away his responsibility to stand up and be a man...i don't care if he sent a pigeon, beeped you in morse code...he should have tried" lol...she's silly. and probably right.

i'm just tired of halfass effort. men put in minimal effort and expect maximum results. i think my aggressive nature skewed my perception of responsibility in the embryonic stages of a relationship.

wouldn't it be cool to talk to a 30 year old version of yourself to see what advice you'd have?

no, it wouldn't.

A (wo)man of genius makes no mistakes; her errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.

James Joyce

rude!

rad.

like rain when she came it poured...

he made me squirt.

i guess that's all there is to say.

i've done it before, but it's been a long time. i'm a know it all when it comes to my bedroom. all guys sort of do the same things - adaptations of what they've seen in pornos. i get bored easily. and having orgasms - real ones - requires a high level of physical and emotional connectivity for me. i have that with him even though i see him two or three times a year. it just turns on instantly.

"...yo, you almost got me in my eye!"

we collapse in laughter. he kisses it.

of course my feelings have sort of changed by this point. thats how life goes. last time he visited i was a ball of nerves - anxious to see him, had a wonderful time that weekend...this time...i enjoyed his company, but i didn't feel...it. maybe because i've been so preoccupied otherwise... i just haven't had love and affection on the brain.



"it is what it is, ma"...how prophetic was that shit?

let me tell you...

...about the new playlist:
i live in dc. i love it. bamas included. listen for a glimpse.

...about my valentine's day:
i ended up going to the bilal concert - he was great...the milion coupes swapping spit the entire time...not so much. it was a little awkward and while i do enjoy having fun by myself on occassion...i dunno...a valentine's day neosoul showcase probably wasn't the best idea lol. its ok though. fbiboo was bouncing and he got me in for free and ahead of the line - that was sweet of him. after the show i came outside and hung out with him and his bouncing friend for a little while - then he had to go work the party next door. it was cold outside so i went in with him. it was a SWINGER'S PARTY. dozens of half naked men and women doing whatever to each other! white, black, asian, latin, old, young...just...ugh! now, since i've seen most everything under the sun on the internet or real sex on hbo...none of this was particularly shocking, but STILL! i've never been to a LIVE swinger's party. so as i said before i' sort of an actress in these types of situations so...i just chilled there and watched lol. Get this - he had to make rounds to make sure there was no intercourse occurring in the public areas - but ANYthing else was fine. A couple came up to us and gave us two drinks - I was like omgggg I think they're propositioning us! LOL. So, being entirely too sober I drank up (once in a lifetime...why not) - then they return and start YELLING at me for drinking their drinks! Apparently they just went outside for a cigarette. Of course at this point people start to look over and I get soooo embarassed. Fbiboo turns into psycho bouncer and yells at them and they leave me/us alone. But i'm done lol. so i go sit down in a corner and an older black couple comes over and asks me to dance. now, this is a members only event - and its not like the club where you can just say "NO" - i guess it felt a little more like a close-knit community. so i tried my best to feign a foot injury to get out of that. they were super nice though, regular folks, and the woman wasn't quite as old as my mom but definitely had the motherly vibe going on. It was just really interesting (i find all things uncomfortable to be interesting! think about it) how it wasn't a lusty approach - while i'm sure dancing would be highly sexually charged - it was more about being free and loving and of course exploring others bodies and sexualities than BANG BANG BANG on the dance floor like you'd see at any regular club.

...how much i love one of my coworkers!
thank GOD i met her. she is one of three black girls in the office (including me) - she doesn't work directly with me but i interact with her occasionally when our supervisors meet up. we've been going out to lunch together once or twice a week and last night she took me out with her friends for dinner at a steakhouse on Constitution Ave. I had so much fun! I'm really glad i went - she's 26 and she's pretty much adopted me as her little sis - her friends were her age too but we just had a blast and they didn't talk down to me or anything. She was like it is so refreshing to meet someone who can be professional and friendly in the office and can be themselves after work! Awww. And its the truth - there are some dryyy/asshole characters in there. It's also nice to meet new people in different age groups and just vibe. So I anticipate invites to grown events now! Yay me!

...about my job:
it still sucks most days - but i sent an e-mail to my supervisor about how I want more responsibilities and to eventually evolve my role so that i'm doing critical thinking and writinggg and finally using my brain! He's been busy this week but he said we'll definitely talk next week about it - so that's good! I want to beef up my resume with I think showing initiative will also go a long way - he'll remember I asked for more work. Playing the game y'all, playing the game! lol. I'm also in search of a part-time writing gig - I just heard back from one organization needing help with proposal writing. I'm looking to gain professional experience and add writing to my cadre of skills. One day at a time, y'all!

...how much i love my brother:
i decided to call and have a 15 min conversation with him once a week since the military scare. it's still an option to him but i think it was more of a reaction to his frustrations with being at home than anything else. i love him more than he knows and i do have a responsibility as his sister to support him. and as for now, things are getting better between us. each week we talk about personal stuff - i'm letting him in, telling him more about my man-drama and such. he's pretty open as long as i ask. he's always trusted me, so he tells me his little schemes and such before they go into motion lol. but upon discussing fbiboo and our ...i dunno if i can even call it a breakup as we were never a couple ...and its not a cutting off since we text occassionally...hmmm...he said:

bro: so you should probably stop dating losers
me: lol. i don't! they seem cool at first, i dunno what happens! we still talk.
bro: why??
me: i shouldn't talk to him!? but we weren't dating...really
bro: no you shouldn't - he lied to you. secretagent? come on...and hes bouncing too? LOL lemme guess he dissappears for days/weeks at a time on "missions" LOL.
me: lol. SHUT UP!
bro: he is lyinggg to you. lol. no you shouldn't be friends with anyone who lies!
me: you're right.
bro: duhhh.
me: so where can i find a non-loser?
bro: try speed dating
me: i hate you
bro: lol. i'm serious.
me: i might!

Otherwise, all is well. My bed is empty. And my stomach is full lol. Headed to NY next weeknd for two birthday parties! Harlem here I come!

sho you right.

I find, in being black, a thing of beauty: a joy; a strength; a secret cup of gladness.

Ossie Davis

Basketball and Life

there's a point at the cusp of competition where movement slows down - it's ethereal. Countless hours of practice and sweat dissipate as your team skitters, emitting chaotic, frenetic energy. but it's all an intricate dance to you. A foxtrot. A waltz. hands on waists, stepping on toes - it is an ugly, beautiful dance. A hostile closeness between reluctant dance partners.

You watch yourself move - rather, glide - towards your destination. Though there is congestion, you see everything before it occurs. In a sea of reactors you are the catalyst - hungry eyes await your every movement. Even if you don't touch the ball.

i remember those moments - surges of adrenaline and nervous acid often left me ill after games - i couldn't even eat. Though i was 15 i felt the interconnectedness and synchronicity of mind and body everytime i had one of those games. It was more than ability or talent- it was something. Much, much deeper.

I'm trying to find it again.

i'm not mad at myself for loving this...

...yeaaaaaa lol.

it's the only morning alarm song i can stand.

i get my first big girl paycheck on friday y'allllllll!

g rated humor, for once

lmao. courtesy of bestie:



i can't WAIT for moments like these. wait. yes i can.

the nappy hair diaries!!!

YAY!

so i bought a macbook for $500 off Craigslist. i got it from an older pudgy white man and we did the exchange in the lobby of a hotel downtown - i can't tell you HOW many stank looks i got from men and women alike walking with him. i played along though just to get a feel (i'm an actress in that way) and DAMN. i don't think i could deal with the hate. i wonder if he was a younger attractive white guy if i'd still get those glares. and i wondered why I was the only one receiving them! Even from black men - no one side-eyed him! Ah well. That's all for another post. back to the computadora! i'm in love with it. Her name is Xiomara. I name all my favorite things. My car (soon to be with me in DC!!)'s name is Gisele (pronounced (Zshee-sell...bitches) - she's Brazilian. She's an Acura RSX '04 - thank god she's tiny cuz i can't parallel park to save my life. ;D THEN we have my lovely iphone 3G - Irulan. Yes, I first hear her name when I watched real world: las vegas with alton and trishelle and 'nem. And I fell in love with the name. Please know that I intend on naming my daughters these same names lmao. These items are just placeholders. Anddd I'm so serious.

Anyhoo - I've been wanting to start a vlog for awhile and now I am! I haven't talked about hair much on this site but those who know me know I'm a hair freak/product junkie - and there are LEGIONS of women on plenty of websites who feel the same (STOP JUDGING!!! lol) - I'm kind of a mini celebrity on some of these sites, mind you. AHEM. So here's the first installment of "The Nappy Hair Diaries" !! Subscribe, don't, whatevs. YAY!

I prob should angle the camera better next time...and i'm aware i have valley-girl-voice syndrome and tendencies lol. enjoyyy.

give it up

i wish i had break-away work clothes. as soon as i get home i'm skrrrrippin...dyin to get out them jonts...into my glorious sweatpants lol.

so work is coming along...not very exciting and i'm fairly low on the totem pole...but i'm gonna thug through it and work my way up and out. prove myself to the bosses and all that ish. moving up and out of an admin position into more of a true analyst position will be a challenge - but all i can do is try. the only thing i really can't stand about work is this character:

THE HATER. My cubicle neighbor - so this dude is 27. engaged. he's had such a sour attitude towards me since i came aboard its ridiculous. he was hired to do analyst work at the entry level but had to fill in for my position while i waited for my clearance to go through - so understandably he was probably a little miffed and frustrated. but the snippity remarks? no can do. everytime i've voiced my opinion about anything discussed in the office, he has an offhand remark and a dismissive laugh to go along with it. everyday, he reminds me in some way, that i am an admin asst. as he shovels his former duties on me in loud and obnoxious ways.

"thank god i'm not doing that anymore" he jokes loudly with another cubicle-neighbor.
i try to ignore, but soon i am laser eye-ing him through the walls.

at this point, i'm getting a hang of things. i'm quick on my feet and i haven't messed up yet. i meet the bosses boss and VP tomorrow at a new employee meet and greet - hoping/knowing i'll make a great impression.

there were a couple of other meanies in the office when i first started but overall everyone is warming up to me - i'm befriending (office-wise) them one by one, staying positive and upbeat in the office even though sometimes i want to curl up and sleep lol.

oh, and everyone in my division is engaged or married. every last one. glad i missed the holiday party cuz i do NOT have a date to bring lol.

anywayssssssssss.... i'm going out tonight - to see raheem devaughn and this ethio chick sing down on u st. fbi bounces over there and i just KNOW i'll run into him. that'll be annoying, i'd really rather not. you know when you are bored/annoyed with someone they start to become less attractive too? yeah...thats happening.

THENNNN Saturday I'm going to see Nouveau Riche!!!! They are this awesome band with a lead singer I have an enormous crush on - I love her spirit, her smile, and she is just sexy. Watching her vids just puts me in a better mood - her name is Nikki Jean. Seeeee:



sigh...she's lovely. i love this song. and its the STORY OF MY LIFE.

The show is just $8!! I'm looking fwd to the diff crowd at this show, def not your typical bammas - more of an eclectic ensemble i'm hoping....

what are y'all doing this weekend?

laaaaa la la la

some one please tell me my new header ain't the shittttttttt!!

30 mins of my life - BOO YOWWWWW!!!

imageshack prob won't host it after an hour but whatevs.

...can't tell me NUTHIN!

in plain english:

i've found that arts and crafts and cooking relax me and are essential activities after a day of mindless work.

carry on...

black boy lost

my brother texted me today.

i'm not staying at home i'm going to enlist in the marines.  we can talk later if you want.

i laughed at first.  then tears started to roll down my cheeks.

we were the closest siblings - we have countless stories from our childhood - we played and laughed and cried (when we got in trouble) together.  i don't know when it all changed - probably when I became a teenager.  Then I went away to school.  I was so hell bent on finding myself (well, partying for the first two years) I completely neglected our relationship.  From then it spiraled out of control.  

A chance phone call:

hey, whats up?

nothin.

whatcha doing?

nothing.

whatcha gonna do this weekend?

nothin.

By the time I finally found myself and my purpose and what I needed to do and be focused on to achieve my goals during this point in my life he was just entering the chaotic phase.  i'm 22.  he'll be 20 next month.  it blows my mind.  i don't think we've grown apart.  i don't even think we know enough about each other to grow in any direction.  things just slowed down.  stagnated.  i felt too grown to talk to him about college stuff, and now he feels the same way.  my mom instincts click on when i talk to him - i become most concerned about his safety.  i can't help it.   i have anxiety and panic attacks.  i have recurring day-mares about him being hurt or dying.  its fucked with me for years.  his priority is fun.

we grew up in oakland until i was 14.  surrounded by black people, and people who were classified as black anyway.  then we moved to the suburbs.  i never really fit in.  he did.  he thrived socially.  he's always been like that - the laid back cool one.  everyone is white, asian, or mexican.  he dates white and mexican girls.  i don't date anyone.  not by choice.  he struggles in school. i excel.  im pushed to go to college and do the best i can.  i graduate. i'm pushed to get a graduate degree.  he's pushed to pass his classes.  my mom probably wrote his application essays.  he gets into a noname college.  he flunks out.  he texts me.  i cry.

there is nothing i can say.  its past the point of having a conversation.  he doesn't listen.  why should he?  i haven't lived in his shoes.  he doesn't have a mentor or an idol to look up to.  yes i was raised in a loving two parent household.  we were.  yet i feel his alienation.  he is my father reincarnated.  and my uncles and my cousins.  it is all the same story.

he doesn't think like you.  like my black male college friends.  the perspective is not reality.  he wants to join the military because he doesn't want to live under my parents roof. period.  because flunking out dented his self esteem.  because likely, he wants to see himself excel at something. 

i hate those commercials.  it is not an adventure.  you are not guaranteed a job afterwards.  you are brainwashed.  yes, there are benefits for some. if you survive.  

yet and still.  if he proves to me that he has done research, that he has a plan - I will support him.  I will do the best that I can to support him and rebuild what we lost.  what if it is too late?

i am frustrated, and saddened, and shocked.  all i can do is ask God to protect him whatever he chooses.  

what do you say to a black boy lost?

to be continued.

sigh...

sigh... read what barack has to say about michelle...that is what i want someday.

a new day

the big day finally arrived! though i live in dc i wasn't out there in the madness. i know. as i was watching it on tv i felt like a punk - ppl talkin bout we flew from zimbabwe n shit, but its all good. i bought this fly spray painted vinyl piece from a guy on u st this week - i love it! its facing my bed and its the first thing i see in the morning. i would've paid double for one with michelle's face on it, truth be told lol. i'll probably hang a newspaper clipping of her in my cubicle. i need to see that woman every single day.

it will be wonderful waking up to that face, considering what he represents for the world and for me on a personal level. i already know that a glance at his face in the morning, during those rough first few minutes at 5:30 am will be all the inspiration and push that i need to get up and get going. my daily visual affirmation.

building my plan, finding my purpose...writing this chapter of my life...i can do it.

youngback (noun)

youngback.
(noun.) a slang term used by black women in their 20s to describe an attractive older man. while he is noticeably older than she (generally by 7-15 years) he has a tight physique and can put it down or could probably do so given the opportunity - thus, he has a "young" back and fulfills the sexual connotation.
origin:
found an underground bar the other night with the girls - don't you LOVE that? we passed it by many a time because it just looked like one of thooose beer and 80s soft rock type joints but lo and behold it was a young black (and older - but cool older!) professional jumpoff spot. we were definitely the youngest in the place but since we know when and where to act a fool, we blended right in. we encountered a table of men who seemed to be in their 30s (one may have crossed the 40 line), and out of all four, we spotted one with a killer smile, attentive eyes, and a calm, laid back demeanor.

"how old do you think he is? 40?"
"nooooo"
"i mean he looks like a bangin late 30s or 40 year old man. his age wouldn't deter me."
"true. he's like husband material...like i wouldn't be mad if my husband looked like that at 40. he's hot"
"yeah, and he has a young back"
"a youngback!"
"ahahaha a youngback indeed!"

examples of youngbacks:


i actually chose this pic of idris because while he IS a certifiable youngback - we never want to see men his age dressing like this. i'm 22. if i want a graphic tee wearin, skater shoezin dude i'll get one from the mall. i prefer youngbacks in work attire at happy hours, or in age appropriate casual gear - there are exceptions to this rule but it IS a rule!

now boris, on the other hand... i could give a damn what he wears.



don't we all need youngbacks in our lives!?

all that glitters...

so. i can't sleep. but i'm tired as hell. so i'm going to rant...briefly...bullet style.

• everything in life (the tangible stuff...) is a game or a business
• i should embrace my solitude and find things i like to do on the weekends...besides drink and drunk text
• possibility of cutting off all boos indefinitely...needing me time
  
• i hate the metro. i'm claustrophobic and feel nauseated and faint at LEAST once a day on it.
• i did one workout session and that's it. UGH.
• the security guard at work is pre-op. i KNOW it. really friendly.
• lmao one of the guys at work is a huge (but hilarious) asshole - one of the grandma dressing coworkers came to my desk and asked if i needed any help or if i ever needed anything i could ask her ...except she kept repeating herself..rewording it. So at a point i'm like "oook. (still being polite obv) thanks!" and the dude comes over with his half eaten sandwich and is like hey you want a bite? you sure? if you even want a bite, my office is right here" LMAO. i had to turn around.
• my immediate supervisor and coworker suck. everyone else is cool/funny in their own way. still tough finding work-approp-and-interesting stuff to talk about for 8 hours. inevitably returns to football.
  
• boy's club in there.
• all the women save 2 are ADMIN. this disgusts me.
• see bullet #1. must play the game.

meh.

ask me anything! seriously. + updates

well hello there. seriously slacking on my blog upkeep but seriously nothings been going on. i went home to recharge my battery before i officially start work on thursday. i got my closet all blazer/blouse/pant and color scheme coordinated!! its like the first day of school. oh and you are NOT ready for my patent aerosoles. NOT READY AT ALL. watch me pull em one by one, grandma shoes and all! non-coworkers at happy hour, of course.

i'm trying to add some meat on to these blog bones. so...what do you guys want to know about me!?!?!? i'm getting kinda bored with the blog...i'm becoming a serious lurker/blog reader instead of a writer. so...i know the ask me questions wave has come and gone among bloggers but you're here so you are obviously nosey since we probably don't know each other in real life........so ask away! need advice? just plain curious? i'm waitinggg

my vitals:

personal stuff:

i live in dc and i love it! recent college grad (omg how long can i say recent...as of may '08), 22, 162 lbs, 5'7'' and 5'8'' on a good day lol, used to be a beast of an athlete in high school, became a hasbeen though i have natural athletic abilities (for instance whooped on everyone at the staff/student tennis tournament after not playing for years), highly competitive...i always say i can be the life of the party or an introverted loner. i dig both roles...just depends. i LOVE to cook - if i can i try a new recipe every week. i love dogs and shopping. i love whiskey sours. i have a best friend - she's in boston. i have a kind heart, i'm very loyal and protective (and jealous lol).

the REALLY personal stuff: i'm perpetually single.
i'm very sensual. and picky. i am in a phase of picking up guys (i flirt, get their numbers...i can't remember the last time i was asked for my number. wow.), i'm excited about the new job mainly because i want to impress myself - i haven't done that in a long time. i have a few guys i talk to. ah hell why not lol:

(in no particular order):

omg. don't laugh. there are only three. lmao. but i'm always on the lookout for more recruits. lol.

k.

profboo. he's 29, getting his phd in miami. his mouth is featured in a picture a few posts down. yeah. lol. smart as hell with swagger like i've never seen. i seduced him first though. man i have to retell that story on this blog sometime lol. i've got game, what can i say? lol. we went through a lil rough patch but after his visit the other weekend we're good again. we talk or text like once a week-ish? not looking to turn it into anything serious but he definitely makes me feel some kinda way...

secretagentboo. haven't heard about him in a minute huh? i haven't seen him since november, and thats perfectly ok. he has a good heart - and he's 6'4 and cute...i just wish he was a lil more serious sometimes. since he told me he was 20 (when i approached him i SWORE he was at least 25) it alllll makes sense. lol. i hardly see him because he works all the time. but a good cuddle/cut buddy nonetheless. can a sista get a real date tho? jeezzzz. he actually did buy tickets and attempt to suprise me with a movie date although i was in california (i heard him ring my doorbell lol) - so points for that...but i'm not putting in effort anymore. again, i'm perfectly ok with it being casual so long as he knows the next time we hang out it'll be...out. at first at least. lol. oh who am i kidding i want the monsta! lol.

bloggerboo. ahaha! yes everyone, i have a bloggerboo. i guess he started following my old blog, facebooked me, and we chatted and video chatted and telephone chatted...and now i guess you could say we "talk" but in a friendly/casual/non-pressed/but-when-we-finally-meet-its-on-and-don't-you-forget-it kinda way. he's very kind and ambitious. and fineeeeeeeeee lol. he has quite the life story and part of me doesn't want to learn all of it over the internet. he'll have to move up north to civilization for that lol. and the best part is he READS THIS BLOG! lol. yeah. i used to feel uneasy about it but its whatever. he is well overdue for a visit. the clever ones can probably figure out who he is by process of elimination since i have like 3 dudes on my blogroll. go on, sherlocks!

trying to think of the common thread among these guys and i am at a loss. anyways... ask away!