i'm around

heyyy.

i kinda wish i left an update before i abandoned the blog - i hate seeing my last entry at the top. makes it seem like i got reallllly depressed and couldn't write or anything. that wasn't it.

i was working full time (quit one job (thank heavens) - started a new one) and taking three grad classes. something had to give lol. just finished finals last Saturday. i'm getting test scores and application stuff together for next fall - hoping I can land a fellowship for my second master's. i have a 4.0. while i do feel an enormous stress lifted from my shoulders after finals i haven't found that peace yet. i haven't given myself a pat on the back, really.

i am constantly trying to prove myself to...myself. sometimes that shit gets tiring.

on another note, i've been involved with a guy since the end of september (can't say he's the only one i've talked to but definitely the one i want). actually since i wrote the note below this entry things took a turn for the better. i love all our intricacies and i love his laugh. i find myself smiling at him, inviting him over to cuddle on the late night tip, just to share some of that energy before another day. he calls all the time and its just there, you know? is the timing right? nope. is it ever? there are some lingering issues that i can't look past in 2010. in fact i said that verbatim.

you ever say some shit and just get scared at the enormity of what you are proposing?

i just don't see myself doing this in 2010. i'm 23, on my way to who knows what (but i have forward momentum!), just trying to keep my own shit on track. while i would love to share myself, i don't have to. it'll suck when we stop talking but what are you going to do. i've gotta believe in what i'm saying even though it will hurt and it sucks and womp womp womp.

aside from my love life i see and feel some of my friendships changing. maybe its me that's changing - i feel a recluse phase coming on for whatever reason. a sista needs to read some NOVELS to find a character going through this. ahhh solitude.

the new year is coming sooo soon. 2009 has really been one hell of a year