best i (n)ever had

You are there and I am here
Beyond geography
We are temporally disjointed
Transportation wouldn’t sync
Transient feelings
My love travels in and out of time
How vividly I am remembering our future and
Living in the past
Inextricably intertwined

my raphael complex

i used to LOVE raphael (of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) when i was a little girl. he was cute (LOL), arrogant, cool, and MOODY.

the dudes i fall for now are exactly like him.

that's fuckin weird.

the tribe

our heels clink
and clomp
our greetings
eruptions of laughter
cascades of tears
we were there
through it all

to barbados and beyond...

riddle me this

i don't get it.
caught in an impossible tug-of-war; you push me away and you pull me in.


i just want to be loved or left alone. the interim is for the birds, yo.

transient feelins...or not.

it is truly a sad day when your emotions are perfectly captured by the latest beyonce song. lol.
broken hearted girl came on the radio on the drive home and i damn near cried
the last line of the refrain is a killer
...i know i'll be there at the end of the day

isn't that what's most upsetting?
not whatever trifling thing the guy did
not that you cried or felt shitty about it
but the fact that deep, deep down
you don't even want to let go

even if there was a pill that could erase your memory
or a guaranteed no-more-drama cloak
those pills would stay in the medicine cabinet.
that cloak would hang in the closet. untouched.

i read a blog one time about women always staying in self-destructive relationships.
or that women have this superman complex (save-a-hoe as well), always tryna change a man!

i don't think it's that. i think...what we felt an ounce of
that ever elusive L-O-V-E
and it was enough of a high to keep searching, keep pressing, hoping, praying

...scratching, shaking
for a hit.

damnnnn damn damn

loveless

and then there are stagnant times
the most robust cajun fare
tasteless
flavorless grits
a cow mulling over the same grass she's been mulling over
every fucking day of her life

the sun is so bright
spotlight on

it is spring
at least the birds are happy

poison.

"sweetheart, what flavor would you recommend?"
his baritone booms.

he's eyeing her hungrily. i would feel awkward but i'm tipsy. tatas are perky and everything is sitting right in my white high-waisted shorts. she's cute, but i got this. still, i feel uneasy. is he about to proposition her or some shit? i wait with bated breath and slow sips.

the slim latina twirls her hair .
"purple haze. das my favourite flavour, ju all will louv it."

purple haze it is then.

deep, deep pulls. his hand is on my thigh. we're laughing in each others faces. giving eye.
still.
with the last sip of my second cocktail i am controlling everything. i bite my lips, let them linger dangerously close to his. then i pass him the mouthpiece, diverting his attention. i know i'm not going to sleep with him. i highly doubt i'll even kiss him. i don't want to. i do dig the flirtatious energy too. i want to see him want me. that gets me off in an evil way.

we trek back to his spot - should've headed home by this point but more venom is pumping.

"i would love to see you in just these..."

the miami heat melts the lotion on my legs. he smoothes it back over them. first, around my ankles, then my calves, then my thighs. stirring up a stactic electricity. i balance myself on his shoulders. he begins to knewad my legs, working his fingers up through the cuff band. it. feels. good.

so i stop him. we talk for awhile before we sleep. "no ones ever really said no to me. i'm replaying the night seeing where i went wrong," he laughs. i see the beady lust in his eyes. i can't divert mine from them. the drive home in the morning is silent save old school rap jams blasting.

"this shit is 11 years old man. you weren't grown enough to know about this," he chides. i smirk at his attempt to make age relevant.

my nipples get hard thinking about it.

this chapter is closed.



fin