i'm not staying at home i'm going to enlist in the marines. we can talk later if you want.
i laughed at first. then tears started to roll down my cheeks.
we were the closest siblings - we have countless stories from our childhood - we played and laughed and cried (when we got in trouble) together. i don't know when it all changed - probably when I became a teenager. Then I went away to school. I was so hell bent on finding myself (well, partying for the first two years) I completely neglected our relationship. From then it spiraled out of control.
A chance phone call:
hey, whats up?
nothin.
whatcha doing?
nothing.
whatcha gonna do this weekend?
nothin.
By the time I finally found myself and my purpose and what I needed to do and be focused on to achieve my goals during this point in my life he was just entering the chaotic phase. i'm 22. he'll be 20 next month. it blows my mind. i don't think we've grown apart. i don't even think we know enough about each other to grow in any direction. things just slowed down. stagnated. i felt too grown to talk to him about college stuff, and now he feels the same way. my mom instincts click on when i talk to him - i become most concerned about his safety. i can't help it. i have anxiety and panic attacks. i have recurring day-mares about him being hurt or dying. its fucked with me for years. his priority is fun.
we grew up in oakland until i was 14. surrounded by black people, and people who were classified as black anyway. then we moved to the suburbs. i never really fit in. he did. he thrived socially. he's always been like that - the laid back cool one. everyone is white, asian, or mexican. he dates white and mexican girls. i don't date anyone. not by choice. he struggles in school. i excel. im pushed to go to college and do the best i can. i graduate. i'm pushed to get a graduate degree. he's pushed to pass his classes. my mom probably wrote his application essays. he gets into a noname college. he flunks out. he texts me. i cry.
there is nothing i can say. its past the point of having a conversation. he doesn't listen. why should he? i haven't lived in his shoes. he doesn't have a mentor or an idol to look up to. yes i was raised in a loving two parent household. we were. yet i feel his alienation. he is my father reincarnated. and my uncles and my cousins. it is all the same story.
he doesn't think like you. like my black male college friends. the perspective is not reality. he wants to join the military because he doesn't want to live under my parents roof. period. because flunking out dented his self esteem. because likely, he wants to see himself excel at something.
i hate those commercials. it is not an adventure. you are not guaranteed a job afterwards. you are brainwashed. yes, there are benefits for some. if you survive.
yet and still. if he proves to me that he has done research, that he has a plan - I will support him. I will do the best that I can to support him and rebuild what we lost. what if it is too late?
i am frustrated, and saddened, and shocked. all i can do is ask God to protect him whatever he chooses.
what do you say to a black boy lost?
to be continued.
14 comments:
sounds like your brother is bipolar...have you all seriously looked into his mental health?
A friend of mine just enlisted into the army. He went to college on scholarship, came back home, and was not doing much. I think he needs to feel as though he can succeed at something, which is understandable. I just wish he would have chose something else.
My story is strikingly similar to yours in terms of growing apart,school, and the Marines. My younger brother joined the Marines. Went to Iraq twice. Thank God he is okay. The best advice I can give is to let him know your opinion/concerns on the matter (in terms of your concern for his safety and the reasons why he is doing it and if you have any historical reasons why you are against it). But if he decides to do it, support him. Don't make him think that you disapprove of his career choice because it is inherently less than yours. If it is a dream of his (doesn't seem like it), let him know that you are hoping that he achieves those goals. Just let him know he is valued now. Maybe that will deter him.
@ the anon bipolar comment- Your brother's behavior/decisions don't strike me as bipolar disorder (I'm not an expert by any means). They strike me as a young adult trying to find himself. I completely understand your concerns but I think you have to support him no matter what he decides. Let him know that you're concerned and why but in the same breath tell him how much you love him and support whatever adult decision he makes.
@ the anon bipolar comment- Your brother's behavior/decisions don't strike me as bipolar disorder (I'm not an expert by any means). They strike me as a young adult trying to find himself. I completely understand your concerns but I think you have to support him no matter what he decides. Let him know that you're concerned and why but in the same breath tell him how much you love him and support whatever adult decision he makes.
Got to let him do his thing and be a man.
I was going through this last year... except my mom was the one pushing my brother to enlist since he didn't want to go to college. Especially when he started acting up and missing curfew and doing a whole bunch of other crazy stuff... He enrolled and no one even told me because they knew I would flip. I too cried... especially when I found out he was getting sent to Iraq. He was in the same group as Sara Palin's son.. He actually comes home for a couple weeks next month and then has to go back to Iraq for 6 more months and then he'll be done.
He's grown so much after being in the army though so after seeing that I think maybe it was the best for him at that time in his life.
my brother joined the marines about 7 years ago. he's my only sibling and we've been through hell and back together. though we've never been especially close, it's sad that we have pretty much no relationship now. their world and ours is not the same.
It seems like you and your brother could definitely end up growing back close. So don't write that off too soon. I am very anti-military. My reasoning is pretty much what you already listed. It's not an adventure, most folk who come back end up with shitty jobs and a petty check from the military. I seriously hope that your brother isn't going just to get out of the house. I think you should really talk to him about that. Whatever ends up happening still support him no matter what. We all need support and we need it more so when we're going into left field.
I have kinda the same relationship with my brother only recently have we become closer, and even now he gets his panties and wad and mad at me if I say something to mom like.
My brother is also gay so there's an extra layer on it.
Once he told me he hated up growing up after me how do you follow up a life like yours when you are me. Man it made me cry. Good thing is he is hitting his stride now. He thought about joining the Airforce back when he was 18.
Just be there and pray that's all that seems to work. Peace of mind...well you have to pray for that to.
-OG
I felt you in this post girl. I can't even fathom how scared you are right now. I'm praying things work out for the best...
♥
I have the same relationship with my lil brother. He went to the Navy and eventually after he got out of the service, he hustled, then went to prison. He will be out soon. We grew apart a long time ago. We do love each other but we both know what has occured. You are not alone in that.
But you must continue to love your brother and support him. While we may not support the Armed Services personally, Many great men have learned honorable and useful tools while serving.
Praying for you and your Bro. Pray for me and mine.
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Jaycee
this is so crazy... it's like the exact story of me and my brother (my black boy). especially when you say that we don't know enough to grow together or apart.
my black boy ended up having a baby at 18, and not making it past a few community college courses.
I definitely think you should support him in his decision to join the armed forces. While it may not be the ideal path that you and your family envisioned for him , it beats trying to find self esteem and a sense of achievement in the streets. Gangs prey on young men like him , so you should be happy that he chose something positive.
As a young black man, I know the importance of having a mentor. A strong positive male influence is crucial to the development of young men. If he can get that from the Army, let him go.
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