complex simplicity

so i just realized.

i have a lot of freaking healing to do.

i spend 80% of my love life trying to put my cards on the table all pretty-like. i'm continually rejected (for valid reasons). i continue to put myself out there. guys constantly tell me that they need time to themselves and that they aren't ready to progress because of whatever reason - why the fuck didn't i internalize that i need the same exact thing?

just had this prolonged conversation with a new guy i came to really like over the last few days (don't question that. thanks.) about how fate and timing are rarely synchronized. and i am such a believer in fate - how "random" sequences of events place people in each other's lives for whatever reason. anyway, timing (actual timing or more abstract notions of timing, as in, already in a relationship, or in a diff phase of life, taking on a new job, etc) is so central to how things play out, and more significantly, how things don't play out. i've always felt like if fate places people in the same spaces and with enough coincidental reasoning to interact and the connection is there - (that deep down feeling... the kinetic energy/spiritual spark not just the ooh we have things in common and you're cute kind) what reason could you possibly have, or, who do you think you are to deny yourself, the other person, and defy the intricate workings of fate ???

in turn my conversations to communicate this belief in the context of sharing my feelings and sense of urgency and might be construed as desperate or crazy by outsiders.

these conversations (or if they sustain and evolve, situations) are draining (and sometimes painful) as hell. it's not that I need a break, because I'm not constantly on the hunt to do this (i've had LONG stretches of nothingness in my love life and back-to-back's...just the rhythm of life), but i do need to address this residual pain that I keep carrying over from previous stuff. i'm talking about refboo here. it was one thing to verbalize and follow through with ending things. it's a whole 'nother to deal with MYSELF. i don't know that I've ever done that. This is such a breakthrough. I don't even really know where to start.

oh my gosh. did this post make any sense at all? it might have been two distinct but related ideas. i don't even know. going to bed.