"Stay hurtable. Stay human. Stay open. It's always worth it."

if you say so...

thank me later

happy summer, loves.

http://usershare.net/ploibccxvi6c

and then the chapter closed

and i was ok (not happy, not sad) with it.

::kanyeshrug::

I am what time, circumstance, history, have made of me, certainly, but I am also, much more than that. So are we all. --Baldweezy

complex simplicity

so i just realized.

i have a lot of freaking healing to do.

i spend 80% of my love life trying to put my cards on the table all pretty-like. i'm continually rejected (for valid reasons). i continue to put myself out there. guys constantly tell me that they need time to themselves and that they aren't ready to progress because of whatever reason - why the fuck didn't i internalize that i need the same exact thing?

just had this prolonged conversation with a new guy i came to really like over the last few days (don't question that. thanks.) about how fate and timing are rarely synchronized. and i am such a believer in fate - how "random" sequences of events place people in each other's lives for whatever reason. anyway, timing (actual timing or more abstract notions of timing, as in, already in a relationship, or in a diff phase of life, taking on a new job, etc) is so central to how things play out, and more significantly, how things don't play out. i've always felt like if fate places people in the same spaces and with enough coincidental reasoning to interact and the connection is there - (that deep down feeling... the kinetic energy/spiritual spark not just the ooh we have things in common and you're cute kind) what reason could you possibly have, or, who do you think you are to deny yourself, the other person, and defy the intricate workings of fate ???

in turn my conversations to communicate this belief in the context of sharing my feelings and sense of urgency and might be construed as desperate or crazy by outsiders.

these conversations (or if they sustain and evolve, situations) are draining (and sometimes painful) as hell. it's not that I need a break, because I'm not constantly on the hunt to do this (i've had LONG stretches of nothingness in my love life and back-to-back's...just the rhythm of life), but i do need to address this residual pain that I keep carrying over from previous stuff. i'm talking about refboo here. it was one thing to verbalize and follow through with ending things. it's a whole 'nother to deal with MYSELF. i don't know that I've ever done that. This is such a breakthrough. I don't even really know where to start.

oh my gosh. did this post make any sense at all? it might have been two distinct but related ideas. i don't even know. going to bed.

sometimes

i surprise myself. in good and bad ways. i am human.

i'm learning that i am not cut from the same cloth.

sometimes i feel really distant from my closest friends.

on the road again

a bit of background since i abandoned the blog:
-recently (as in a week and a half ago) "broke up" with refboo after 10 months of not-dating (:|), not speaking. i'll get into it later or maybe not. was a draining situation, just really bad timing.
-starting new job as a consultant with a well-known firm on Monday!
-finished grad degree in May

...i know. seems like all my ducks are in a row. i'm really trying to focus on the positive and not what I don't have. I just bought "The Happiness Project" after reading a few blogs on the book - I'm going to follow suit and blog along my journey! anyway, on to the post:


amongst my friends, i probably lean to the right on the "monster" Richter scale. it's all about perspective though. sometimes i'll go out and i'm the boldest (or thirstiest, whichever you fancy) of the bunch, and sometimes i'm just meek in comparison.

the latter occurred last night. went to Park and couldn't say hello to a cute dude in the club for shit. fail fail fail. meanwhile my two girlfriends were constantly giggling and getting approached. i dunno what it is - afraid of rejection? low self-esteem? i know i looked good - but seriously only bottomfeeder gremlins were approaching me all night*. i was smiling, not standoffish - what gives? this ALWAYS happens. i can't remember the last time an attractive (attractive, not fine) guy approached me with anything of substance. le sigh.

so i vented to my girl Shad, who proceeded to give me a virtual shake back to reality.

Shad: can't let the club fuck with ur self esteem
people aren't normal, let alone human in clubs
Shad: very primitive/pop-culture conditioned in the worst way
Shad: girls are trying to look however will get them "chose"
and dudes are looking for girls who fit stereotypes (generally) to look like they want to get "chose"

valid. i wasn't looking for anything heavy - just some flirting.

ok, now i'm forgetting the point of this post. it wasn't just to vent, i swear. oh, here it is:

Shad: i learn more and more everyday to do what you do cuz YOU want to
it's hard
not to want to buy every piece of clothing or make up
cuz u think it will make u stand out
and that right person attracted to you above other people
not to say that presentation doesnt count
but honestly, the right person, or
right people, even if they're meant for more casual "situations"
will like you regardless

i think, in terms of blogging/chronicling my way to happiness, this post will just serve as ground zero. i hope, in the end, i will master the art of making eye contact and smiling in public, go to the club purely to have fun, and place a greater emphasis on activities that truly really make me happy or fulfilled. along the way i'm going to keep an open mind and meet new people because i will be in so many new environments.

here's to happiness.