moment of honesty

time is only wastin'
why wait for eventually?

i'm around

heyyy.

i kinda wish i left an update before i abandoned the blog - i hate seeing my last entry at the top. makes it seem like i got reallllly depressed and couldn't write or anything. that wasn't it.

i was working full time (quit one job (thank heavens) - started a new one) and taking three grad classes. something had to give lol. just finished finals last Saturday. i'm getting test scores and application stuff together for next fall - hoping I can land a fellowship for my second master's. i have a 4.0. while i do feel an enormous stress lifted from my shoulders after finals i haven't found that peace yet. i haven't given myself a pat on the back, really.

i am constantly trying to prove myself to...myself. sometimes that shit gets tiring.

on another note, i've been involved with a guy since the end of september (can't say he's the only one i've talked to but definitely the one i want). actually since i wrote the note below this entry things took a turn for the better. i love all our intricacies and i love his laugh. i find myself smiling at him, inviting him over to cuddle on the late night tip, just to share some of that energy before another day. he calls all the time and its just there, you know? is the timing right? nope. is it ever? there are some lingering issues that i can't look past in 2010. in fact i said that verbatim.

you ever say some shit and just get scared at the enormity of what you are proposing?

i just don't see myself doing this in 2010. i'm 23, on my way to who knows what (but i have forward momentum!), just trying to keep my own shit on track. while i would love to share myself, i don't have to. it'll suck when we stop talking but what are you going to do. i've gotta believe in what i'm saying even though it will hurt and it sucks and womp womp womp.

aside from my love life i see and feel some of my friendships changing. maybe its me that's changing - i feel a recluse phase coming on for whatever reason. a sista needs to read some NOVELS to find a character going through this. ahhh solitude.

the new year is coming sooo soon. 2009 has really been one hell of a year

recharge. reboot.

I am but a work in progress.

I have given myself permission to be happy, gleefully imperfect, content with my smile, now boldly boasting my new framework cause I am no longer in the confines of the past, I am no longer a person that has changed over time more than i am a young girl giving birth to the possibility of a different existence each time my emotions take a detour. I am no longer guided, obsessed, anxious about the inevitabilty of temporary unhappiness....I am free from myself.

(an old friend wrote this. i live by it)

word to the wise

"But for real...I never tried to steal someone's heart or nuthn. Dudes be tryn kill over that shit
One night is one night. I aint tryn to take nobody's forever."

three months

sometimes, when she was at her desk, or in the shower, or enjoying the last hazy moments before she thrust herself from her bed - she would channel it. that aura, that forcefield of pure sensation. like clockwork, she was summon it. perhaps, it summoned her.

she felt him dance in her skin that night. she kissed him, fell into his mouth, and sweated him out.

moment of clarity

things fall apart. they do. it's called life.
dwelling on them, those broken pieces in your hand? why?

it's 8:23 on saturday morning. i can't sleep. i'm going to make an omelette with ham, cheese, green yellow red peppers, and onions. my breath is going to stink and i'm going to greet the day, converse with the wind with my breathing rhythms.

i'm going to wheeze, because i am out of shape. it will probably burn.

at 10, i have a hair appointment. she's trimming my dead ends. i'm probably going to jet over mil's house and go to lunch somewhere. food is my anti-drug.

hopefully it won't rain. i'm ready to see the sun.

hair updates!

:D

check the fotki. if you want the link feel free to e-mail me at loveandnappiness@gmail.com.