return of the mack

soooooo. yeah. i'm sure by now you realize i'm incapable of updating regularly, so i won't make any more promises.

few updates.

work is coming along. most days its incredibly boring and repetitive and i have to pay attention to the most minute details in creating deliverables, but its ok. i'm hoping i can just do everything right this week so my "trainer" can leave me alone (she's one of those peering over the shoulder multiple times a day types). She's cool but emits this nervous energy that I hate. Like whenever we'll have a working group she'll bust in my office and rattle off all the things we have to do in preparation for the meeting. As if I don't already know. Just talking to hear herself. #annoying!!! Otherwise I like all my coworkers and there's a poker night this friday so I suppose I'll go. definitely looking to move on once I get my master's in may.

i'm looking to buy a condo in DC! i'm probably going to miss the tax credit deadline because my savings aren't in order just yet, but i'm going to budget like mad over the next few months. my roomie is my realtor and i already found a few places i loooved. i'm SO ready to have my own place and a DOG!

speaking of budgeting, i'm going to start a few side hustles. i applied for a saturday teaching gig and some freelance writing opportunities. i'm starting up a non-profit college essay admissions editing service for minorities and financially disadvantaged candidates (i'd actually like to do a business/non-profit fusion, still researching on how to do that). i'm trying to go to the essence music festival in june and take a trip to jamaica (and maybe a miami getaway in there too). i've been reading Black Enterprise/Suzy Orman and various columnists stress the importance of having a secondary stream of income, so this has become my project for 2010!

i just wiped my love life slate clean. i was seeing refboo for about six months (sans-title/obligation) and just cut things off last week. i was really upset about it because i really care about him and really just enjoyed "us" but he isn't in a place to offer me what i want. i can't blame him for that. of course i miss him and think about him all the time, but it would be stupid to mope about it. he's been honest from the jump - it was me who thought i could change his perspective. or, even worse, it was me who thought i would be cool just kickin it once i really developed feelings. lesson learned. it just is what it is. after doing some self reflecting i'm going to try to focus on myself and my goals. go on a few dates if opportunities present themselves, but all in all i need a break from dudes. i started my detox this weekend with a trip to visit my girlfriend Shad in philly. i had sooooo much fun, and i'm ready to get back on track! :)

have a great week everyone!

Let's TALK About Pep! (Shall We?)

alright.

one of my resolutions was to resurrect this blog. two posts a week minimum people! so here we go.

i saw the premiere episode of VH1's "Let's Talk about Pep" the other day and i'm hooked. it's damn good. It's the black SATC, focusing on four "celebrity" 30s-ish black women and their experiences with dating and relationships. We have Pep, obviously from Salt n Pepa, as our protagonist, and her bffs Joumana (Jason Kidd's ex-wife, she's innocent with a thing for bad boys....cue Charlotte), Kitten (obviously her "character" parallels Samantha's...it was revealed that she was the voice of Cita from Cita's world, BET's first mouth popping teeth sucking 3-D cartoon... but don't pre-judge her!) and Jacque (Reid...former BET Nightly news anchor and radio personality...HELLO Miranda).

(Top: Pep L to R: Joumana, Jacque, Kitten)

Now at the end of the Salt n Pepa show that aired last year, Pep was confronted with her core relationship issues and insecurities - I always wondered what would come of her tearful acknowledgement of these issues in counseling and if she would make positive changes in her love life as a result. and, hell, what those changes would be exactly since "stop dating assholes" is kind of vague, and um, some of us need to heed that same advice. Pep announces that she is looking for Mr. Right, and seeking to break a FOUR YEAR (!) celibacy/relationship/dating spell. The Tribe (my close circle of friends) refers to this phenomenon as having COBWEBS! The women talk about their dating escapades and the swell film editors cut back to footage of said dates - hilarity ensues.

When I excitedly shared the link with some friends, some we're hesitant about even giving the show a whirl. I get frustrated when people don't give the shows I like a chance with an open mind (ironic, ain't it?). One friend said that she wouldn't touch the show with a ten-foot pole because Kitten was the voice of Cita (that show was a serious stain, admittedly) - but c'mon. Vh1 is KILLING the reality show game - the producers, editors, and writers have the quickest wit and best timing, hands down. Has VH1 produced trashy shows starring Ray J, New York, and a host of other degenerates in the past? Yes. Will it continue to follow that trend and will I secretly watch? Yes. Still, this show is nothing like that.

I think we're tired of the media bashing black women's perpetual and inevitable singledom, tired of the bulk of the blame for the decline in black love and marriage placed on our shoulders, tired of seeing ourselves shat on in the entertainment sphere. i get that. but something about this show seems different. not saying it will be revolutionary. but combining comedy with actual relationship advice, seeing imperfect characters fumble and possibly succeed in implementing that advice = golden. just as it's important to stay up to date with current events... it's also important to find balance and learn about yourself, love, and relationships (via your own personal experiences, soledad o'brien (just for kicks), or this show - watch with a critical eye...but watch, damnit!) the real housewives of atl show was addicting, hilarious, and......that's it. it didn't teach us anything. it served its purpose. this show has the potential to entertain and teach us a thing or two about ourselves. why shy away? i'm a fan because so far the show is providing us space to laugh at ourselves without cringing. that is KEY.

What, exactly, do black women want from "black women" shows? I mean I understand what your professional interests are, but what would you like to see around 8pm any given weekday?

Further, I think relationship shows are GREAT teaching and learning tools for all of us. We can't pretend we're all so much better or knowledgeable than these chicks. One of my longtime FAVORITE bloggers/Essence Relationships Editor (i mean i followed her honeymag bootleg blog for the longest pre-fame) A Belle in Brooklyn is featured in Episode 2 and takes Pep and Kitten on a "cutie run" - bar hopping specifically to interact (or practice interacting) with attractive men in social settings. Um, I'm definitely tuning in to this one. This same blogstress gives her readers bangin dating advice on the regular and I try to implement it when I go out with my own girlfriends.

there will DEFINITELY be an episode review blog next monday. Tune in or catch episodes here! Thoughts?

moment of honesty

time is only wastin'
why wait for eventually?

i'm around

heyyy.

i kinda wish i left an update before i abandoned the blog - i hate seeing my last entry at the top. makes it seem like i got reallllly depressed and couldn't write or anything. that wasn't it.

i was working full time (quit one job (thank heavens) - started a new one) and taking three grad classes. something had to give lol. just finished finals last Saturday. i'm getting test scores and application stuff together for next fall - hoping I can land a fellowship for my second master's. i have a 4.0. while i do feel an enormous stress lifted from my shoulders after finals i haven't found that peace yet. i haven't given myself a pat on the back, really.

i am constantly trying to prove myself to...myself. sometimes that shit gets tiring.

on another note, i've been involved with a guy since the end of september (can't say he's the only one i've talked to but definitely the one i want). actually since i wrote the note below this entry things took a turn for the better. i love all our intricacies and i love his laugh. i find myself smiling at him, inviting him over to cuddle on the late night tip, just to share some of that energy before another day. he calls all the time and its just there, you know? is the timing right? nope. is it ever? there are some lingering issues that i can't look past in 2010. in fact i said that verbatim.

you ever say some shit and just get scared at the enormity of what you are proposing?

i just don't see myself doing this in 2010. i'm 23, on my way to who knows what (but i have forward momentum!), just trying to keep my own shit on track. while i would love to share myself, i don't have to. it'll suck when we stop talking but what are you going to do. i've gotta believe in what i'm saying even though it will hurt and it sucks and womp womp womp.

aside from my love life i see and feel some of my friendships changing. maybe its me that's changing - i feel a recluse phase coming on for whatever reason. a sista needs to read some NOVELS to find a character going through this. ahhh solitude.

the new year is coming sooo soon. 2009 has really been one hell of a year

recharge. reboot.

I am but a work in progress.

I have given myself permission to be happy, gleefully imperfect, content with my smile, now boldly boasting my new framework cause I am no longer in the confines of the past, I am no longer a person that has changed over time more than i am a young girl giving birth to the possibility of a different existence each time my emotions take a detour. I am no longer guided, obsessed, anxious about the inevitabilty of temporary unhappiness....I am free from myself.

(an old friend wrote this. i live by it)

word to the wise

"But for real...I never tried to steal someone's heart or nuthn. Dudes be tryn kill over that shit
One night is one night. I aint tryn to take nobody's forever."

three months

sometimes, when she was at her desk, or in the shower, or enjoying the last hazy moments before she thrust herself from her bed - she would channel it. that aura, that forcefield of pure sensation. like clockwork, she was summon it. perhaps, it summoned her.

she felt him dance in her skin that night. she kissed him, fell into his mouth, and sweated him out.