at this juncture in my life i realize i am aggressive by nature. i'm usually the one courting the man, and everything just feels off when a guy approaches me first. i dunno what it is, i just like staking out my prey and the nervous energy that circulates as i wait and see if he's interested. i feel a sense of accomplishment, i feel attractive, i feel like a badass.
still, i like to be wooed in non traditional (read: not throwing cash at me) ways. i've heard that a guy really likes you/wants you if he's willing to make a fool out of himself for you. anything for a smile. if he really wants you, he'll find creative ways to see you or to capture your attention. if he really wants you, he'll call.
i've been settling. sort of lying to myself. no, i don't want a boyfriend. i feel like i'm not ready for all of that. i have alot of growing and developing to do on my own - i don't want to share those experiences with someone who is transient. yes, i do want to find love. but i'm willing to wait for the real thing. yes, i do love intimacy but I don't need it right now. with the terrifying HIV and AIDS rates in DC my legs are closed until further notice anyway. i don't want a hookup - i'm beyond that.
after profboo left for ghana, i felt kind of used (even though he was extremely giving in the bedroom lol). i know he was on another continent and he is somewhat analog so an e-mail or phone call weren't a possibility... but he didn't call before he left. he replied to my "have a safe trip" text, but that's it. no post it note on the bathroom mirror, no nothing.
fuck. i'm a romantic. a hopeless, 90s-meg ryan-00s-kate hudson -ROM-COM hopeless. romantic. why?????
i was supposed to meet up with bloggerboo on friday. that didn't happen. we texted, i agreed to meet him at a club with my friends, he had other plans but said he'd make his way over. didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend. felt played, annoyed since i dragged my friends out to a wack club. felt like something might have been off or wrong since he didn't text or call or anything the rest of the night/weekend. turns out he was in a car accident. everyone is ok, thankfully. a small part of me doesn't believe him. but even if it did happen, he updated his facebook status hours before he texted me. maybe he didn't consider notifying me. maybe it wasn't all that important. that (lack of) action says it all, doesn't it? i don't know.
texts are so impersonal. my coworker says i shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. "when you do that, it takes away his responsibility to stand up and be a man...i don't care if he sent a pigeon, beeped you in morse code...he should have tried" lol...she's silly. and probably right.
i'm just tired of halfass effort. men put in minimal effort and expect maximum results. i think my aggressive nature skewed my perception of responsibility in the embryonic stages of a relationship.
wouldn't it be cool to talk to a 30 year old version of yourself to see what advice you'd have?
no, it wouldn't.
wouldn't it be cool to talk to a 30 year old version of yourself to see what advice you'd have?
no, it wouldn't.
A (wo)man of genius makes no mistakes; her errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
James Joyce
10 comments:
Nice post...def. can relate.
BTW, I gave you an award on my blog :)
Sometimes, it's OK to be wooed by a man, it's kinda exciting letting them hang in there; gauge their nervousness, keep them guessing. It's always fun! I hope you find someone who's worth it real soon.
@ beautiful -- thanks!
@anyaposh -- it is fun. i have to remember that sometimes and deal with less man-stress. i dunno if i want to find someone worth it SOON though lol...maybe in a couple years or something? watch i'll meet him tomorrow lol.
@ kiki -- actually its not strange at all. since you are in dc i'm pretty sure its the same person lol.
ahhh the plot thickens...or not.
probably not im hoping it's not
Nice flow and glow babygurl.
Who is Stewie tho?
I love being woo'd by a Woman but the Man still ends up doing the work. When a Woman woo's a Man she's just dropping a hankerchief, or bread crumbs I can't tell which. (laughing)
Jaycee
I'd actually like to talk to the 30 year old version of myself, just to see what she's doing and what she's been through. I want to ask her if she thinks there's hope for me.
oh i thought i was the only one who likes to prey on dudes.. lol. and i can definitely relate to feeling off on being approached and all that first...
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