complex simplicity

so i just realized.

i have a lot of freaking healing to do.

i spend 80% of my love life trying to put my cards on the table all pretty-like. i'm continually rejected (for valid reasons). i continue to put myself out there. guys constantly tell me that they need time to themselves and that they aren't ready to progress because of whatever reason - why the fuck didn't i internalize that i need the same exact thing?

just had this prolonged conversation with a new guy i came to really like over the last few days (don't question that. thanks.) about how fate and timing are rarely synchronized. and i am such a believer in fate - how "random" sequences of events place people in each other's lives for whatever reason. anyway, timing (actual timing or more abstract notions of timing, as in, already in a relationship, or in a diff phase of life, taking on a new job, etc) is so central to how things play out, and more significantly, how things don't play out. i've always felt like if fate places people in the same spaces and with enough coincidental reasoning to interact and the connection is there - (that deep down feeling... the kinetic energy/spiritual spark not just the ooh we have things in common and you're cute kind) what reason could you possibly have, or, who do you think you are to deny yourself, the other person, and defy the intricate workings of fate ???

in turn my conversations to communicate this belief in the context of sharing my feelings and sense of urgency and might be construed as desperate or crazy by outsiders.

these conversations (or if they sustain and evolve, situations) are draining (and sometimes painful) as hell. it's not that I need a break, because I'm not constantly on the hunt to do this (i've had LONG stretches of nothingness in my love life and back-to-back's...just the rhythm of life), but i do need to address this residual pain that I keep carrying over from previous stuff. i'm talking about refboo here. it was one thing to verbalize and follow through with ending things. it's a whole 'nother to deal with MYSELF. i don't know that I've ever done that. This is such a breakthrough. I don't even really know where to start.

oh my gosh. did this post make any sense at all? it might have been two distinct but related ideas. i don't even know. going to bed.

sometimes

i surprise myself. in good and bad ways. i am human.

i'm learning that i am not cut from the same cloth.

sometimes i feel really distant from my closest friends.

on the road again

a bit of background since i abandoned the blog:
-recently (as in a week and a half ago) "broke up" with refboo after 10 months of not-dating (:|), not speaking. i'll get into it later or maybe not. was a draining situation, just really bad timing.
-starting new job as a consultant with a well-known firm on Monday!
-finished grad degree in May

...i know. seems like all my ducks are in a row. i'm really trying to focus on the positive and not what I don't have. I just bought "The Happiness Project" after reading a few blogs on the book - I'm going to follow suit and blog along my journey! anyway, on to the post:


amongst my friends, i probably lean to the right on the "monster" Richter scale. it's all about perspective though. sometimes i'll go out and i'm the boldest (or thirstiest, whichever you fancy) of the bunch, and sometimes i'm just meek in comparison.

the latter occurred last night. went to Park and couldn't say hello to a cute dude in the club for shit. fail fail fail. meanwhile my two girlfriends were constantly giggling and getting approached. i dunno what it is - afraid of rejection? low self-esteem? i know i looked good - but seriously only bottomfeeder gremlins were approaching me all night*. i was smiling, not standoffish - what gives? this ALWAYS happens. i can't remember the last time an attractive (attractive, not fine) guy approached me with anything of substance. le sigh.

so i vented to my girl Shad, who proceeded to give me a virtual shake back to reality.

Shad: can't let the club fuck with ur self esteem
people aren't normal, let alone human in clubs
Shad: very primitive/pop-culture conditioned in the worst way
Shad: girls are trying to look however will get them "chose"
and dudes are looking for girls who fit stereotypes (generally) to look like they want to get "chose"

valid. i wasn't looking for anything heavy - just some flirting.

ok, now i'm forgetting the point of this post. it wasn't just to vent, i swear. oh, here it is:

Shad: i learn more and more everyday to do what you do cuz YOU want to
it's hard
not to want to buy every piece of clothing or make up
cuz u think it will make u stand out
and that right person attracted to you above other people
not to say that presentation doesnt count
but honestly, the right person, or
right people, even if they're meant for more casual "situations"
will like you regardless

i think, in terms of blogging/chronicling my way to happiness, this post will just serve as ground zero. i hope, in the end, i will master the art of making eye contact and smiling in public, go to the club purely to have fun, and place a greater emphasis on activities that truly really make me happy or fulfilled. along the way i'm going to keep an open mind and meet new people because i will be in so many new environments.

here's to happiness.

return of the mack

soooooo. yeah. i'm sure by now you realize i'm incapable of updating regularly, so i won't make any more promises.

few updates.

work is coming along. most days its incredibly boring and repetitive and i have to pay attention to the most minute details in creating deliverables, but its ok. i'm hoping i can just do everything right this week so my "trainer" can leave me alone (she's one of those peering over the shoulder multiple times a day types). She's cool but emits this nervous energy that I hate. Like whenever we'll have a working group she'll bust in my office and rattle off all the things we have to do in preparation for the meeting. As if I don't already know. Just talking to hear herself. #annoying!!! Otherwise I like all my coworkers and there's a poker night this friday so I suppose I'll go. definitely looking to move on once I get my master's in may.

i'm looking to buy a condo in DC! i'm probably going to miss the tax credit deadline because my savings aren't in order just yet, but i'm going to budget like mad over the next few months. my roomie is my realtor and i already found a few places i loooved. i'm SO ready to have my own place and a DOG!

speaking of budgeting, i'm going to start a few side hustles. i applied for a saturday teaching gig and some freelance writing opportunities. i'm starting up a non-profit college essay admissions editing service for minorities and financially disadvantaged candidates (i'd actually like to do a business/non-profit fusion, still researching on how to do that). i'm trying to go to the essence music festival in june and take a trip to jamaica (and maybe a miami getaway in there too). i've been reading Black Enterprise/Suzy Orman and various columnists stress the importance of having a secondary stream of income, so this has become my project for 2010!

i just wiped my love life slate clean. i was seeing refboo for about six months (sans-title/obligation) and just cut things off last week. i was really upset about it because i really care about him and really just enjoyed "us" but he isn't in a place to offer me what i want. i can't blame him for that. of course i miss him and think about him all the time, but it would be stupid to mope about it. he's been honest from the jump - it was me who thought i could change his perspective. or, even worse, it was me who thought i would be cool just kickin it once i really developed feelings. lesson learned. it just is what it is. after doing some self reflecting i'm going to try to focus on myself and my goals. go on a few dates if opportunities present themselves, but all in all i need a break from dudes. i started my detox this weekend with a trip to visit my girlfriend Shad in philly. i had sooooo much fun, and i'm ready to get back on track! :)

have a great week everyone!

Let's TALK About Pep! (Shall We?)

alright.

one of my resolutions was to resurrect this blog. two posts a week minimum people! so here we go.

i saw the premiere episode of VH1's "Let's Talk about Pep" the other day and i'm hooked. it's damn good. It's the black SATC, focusing on four "celebrity" 30s-ish black women and their experiences with dating and relationships. We have Pep, obviously from Salt n Pepa, as our protagonist, and her bffs Joumana (Jason Kidd's ex-wife, she's innocent with a thing for bad boys....cue Charlotte), Kitten (obviously her "character" parallels Samantha's...it was revealed that she was the voice of Cita from Cita's world, BET's first mouth popping teeth sucking 3-D cartoon... but don't pre-judge her!) and Jacque (Reid...former BET Nightly news anchor and radio personality...HELLO Miranda).

(Top: Pep L to R: Joumana, Jacque, Kitten)

Now at the end of the Salt n Pepa show that aired last year, Pep was confronted with her core relationship issues and insecurities - I always wondered what would come of her tearful acknowledgement of these issues in counseling and if she would make positive changes in her love life as a result. and, hell, what those changes would be exactly since "stop dating assholes" is kind of vague, and um, some of us need to heed that same advice. Pep announces that she is looking for Mr. Right, and seeking to break a FOUR YEAR (!) celibacy/relationship/dating spell. The Tribe (my close circle of friends) refers to this phenomenon as having COBWEBS! The women talk about their dating escapades and the swell film editors cut back to footage of said dates - hilarity ensues.

When I excitedly shared the link with some friends, some we're hesitant about even giving the show a whirl. I get frustrated when people don't give the shows I like a chance with an open mind (ironic, ain't it?). One friend said that she wouldn't touch the show with a ten-foot pole because Kitten was the voice of Cita (that show was a serious stain, admittedly) - but c'mon. Vh1 is KILLING the reality show game - the producers, editors, and writers have the quickest wit and best timing, hands down. Has VH1 produced trashy shows starring Ray J, New York, and a host of other degenerates in the past? Yes. Will it continue to follow that trend and will I secretly watch? Yes. Still, this show is nothing like that.

I think we're tired of the media bashing black women's perpetual and inevitable singledom, tired of the bulk of the blame for the decline in black love and marriage placed on our shoulders, tired of seeing ourselves shat on in the entertainment sphere. i get that. but something about this show seems different. not saying it will be revolutionary. but combining comedy with actual relationship advice, seeing imperfect characters fumble and possibly succeed in implementing that advice = golden. just as it's important to stay up to date with current events... it's also important to find balance and learn about yourself, love, and relationships (via your own personal experiences, soledad o'brien (just for kicks), or this show - watch with a critical eye...but watch, damnit!) the real housewives of atl show was addicting, hilarious, and......that's it. it didn't teach us anything. it served its purpose. this show has the potential to entertain and teach us a thing or two about ourselves. why shy away? i'm a fan because so far the show is providing us space to laugh at ourselves without cringing. that is KEY.

What, exactly, do black women want from "black women" shows? I mean I understand what your professional interests are, but what would you like to see around 8pm any given weekday?

Further, I think relationship shows are GREAT teaching and learning tools for all of us. We can't pretend we're all so much better or knowledgeable than these chicks. One of my longtime FAVORITE bloggers/Essence Relationships Editor (i mean i followed her honeymag bootleg blog for the longest pre-fame) A Belle in Brooklyn is featured in Episode 2 and takes Pep and Kitten on a "cutie run" - bar hopping specifically to interact (or practice interacting) with attractive men in social settings. Um, I'm definitely tuning in to this one. This same blogstress gives her readers bangin dating advice on the regular and I try to implement it when I go out with my own girlfriends.

there will DEFINITELY be an episode review blog next monday. Tune in or catch episodes here! Thoughts?

moment of honesty

time is only wastin'
why wait for eventually?

i'm around

heyyy.

i kinda wish i left an update before i abandoned the blog - i hate seeing my last entry at the top. makes it seem like i got reallllly depressed and couldn't write or anything. that wasn't it.

i was working full time (quit one job (thank heavens) - started a new one) and taking three grad classes. something had to give lol. just finished finals last Saturday. i'm getting test scores and application stuff together for next fall - hoping I can land a fellowship for my second master's. i have a 4.0. while i do feel an enormous stress lifted from my shoulders after finals i haven't found that peace yet. i haven't given myself a pat on the back, really.

i am constantly trying to prove myself to...myself. sometimes that shit gets tiring.

on another note, i've been involved with a guy since the end of september (can't say he's the only one i've talked to but definitely the one i want). actually since i wrote the note below this entry things took a turn for the better. i love all our intricacies and i love his laugh. i find myself smiling at him, inviting him over to cuddle on the late night tip, just to share some of that energy before another day. he calls all the time and its just there, you know? is the timing right? nope. is it ever? there are some lingering issues that i can't look past in 2010. in fact i said that verbatim.

you ever say some shit and just get scared at the enormity of what you are proposing?

i just don't see myself doing this in 2010. i'm 23, on my way to who knows what (but i have forward momentum!), just trying to keep my own shit on track. while i would love to share myself, i don't have to. it'll suck when we stop talking but what are you going to do. i've gotta believe in what i'm saying even though it will hurt and it sucks and womp womp womp.

aside from my love life i see and feel some of my friendships changing. maybe its me that's changing - i feel a recluse phase coming on for whatever reason. a sista needs to read some NOVELS to find a character going through this. ahhh solitude.

the new year is coming sooo soon. 2009 has really been one hell of a year